Ahhh Women...
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
"THE RULES"
THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
2. THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE
AT ANYTIME WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION.
3. NO MALE CAN POSSIBLY KNOW ALL THE RULES.
4. IF THE FEMALE SUSPECTS THE MALE KNOWS
ALL THE RULES,
SHE MUST IMMEDIATELY
CHANGE SOME OR ALL OF THE RULES.
5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.
6. IF THE FEMALE IS WRONG,
IT IS DUE TO A MISUNDERSTANDING
WHICH WAS A DIRECT RESULT
OF SOMETHING THE MALE DID OR SAID WRONG.
7. IF RULE 6 APPLIES,
THE MALE MUST APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY
FOR CAUSING THE MISUNDERSTANDING.
8. THE FEMALE MAY CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY TIME.
9. THE MALE MUST NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND
WITHOUT THE EXPRESSED WRITTEN
CONSENT OF THE FEMALE.
10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT
BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.
11. THE MALE MUST REMAIN CALM AT ALL TIMES,
UNLESS THE FEMALE WANTS HIM
TO GE ANGRY OR UPSET.
12. THE FEMALE MUST, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES,
LET THE MALE KNOW WHETHER
OR NOT SHE WANTS HIM TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET.
13. THE MALE IS EXPECTED TO MIND READ AT ALL TIMES.
14. IF THE FEMALE HAS P.M.S.,
ALL THE RULES ARE NULL AND VOID.
15. THE FEMALE IS READY WHEN SHE IS READY.
16. THE MALE MUST BE READY AT ALL TIMES.
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without
wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
8. If you have sex with someone and don't call them
the next day, you're not the devil.
9. Condoms make no significant difference
in your enjoyment of sex.
10. If you have to be home in time for 90210,
you can say so, out loud.
11. If you're not making enough money
you can blame the glass ceiling.
12. You can sleep your way to the top.
13. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
14. It's possible to live your whole life
without ever taking a group shower.
15. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
16. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
17. If you cheat on your spouse,
people assume it's because you're
being emotionally neglected.
18. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
19. You'll never have to decide where
to hide your nosehair clipper.
20. If you think the person you're dating really likes you,
you don't have to break up with them.
21. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
22. You can congratulate your teammate
without ever touching her ass.
23. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
24. You never have to reach down every so often
to make sure your privates are still there.
25. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
26. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
27. You have the ability to dress yourself.
28. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
29. You can talk to people of the opposite sex
without having to picture them naked.
30. If you marry someone 20 years younger,
you're aware that you look like an idiot.
31. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
32. Your friends won't think you're weird
if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
33. There are times when chocolate
really can solve all your problems.
34. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
35. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
36. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
37. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
38. You don't have hair on your back.
39. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
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