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Dear Santa, Love Mom
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled
my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money
to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out
how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout
sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon,
on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles,
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have)
and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are
strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist,
since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket
items this year
I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio
that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any
programs containing talking animals;
and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight,
and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,
"Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother,"
because my voice seems to be just out of my children's
hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack,
the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers.
It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble
on any carpet making the in-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products,
I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and
comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating
food warmer than room temperature without
it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season.
Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the bosses
of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't
look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat
contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing
and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door.
I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and
remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney
and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat
too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MOM
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests
if you can keep my children young enough
to believe in you.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have)
and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are
strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist,
since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket
items this year
I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio
that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any
programs containing talking animals;
and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight,
and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,
"Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother,"
because my voice seems to be just out of my children's
hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack,
the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers.
It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble
on any carpet making the in-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products,
I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and
comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating
food warmer than room temperature without
it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season.
Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the bosses
of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't
look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat
contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing
and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door.
I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and
remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney
and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat
too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MOM
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests
if you can keep my children young enough
to believe in you.
FROSTING:
Mix the following in saucepan:
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it
Mom's Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven again and tell Jr, "No, no!"
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while
removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors
and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
that the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have
direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
(Resist the temptation to beat Jr)
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that
you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside
while there's still time, and he's still able to run away.
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you
didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading
for the street. Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly
for 2
minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a
garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for
ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Collapse.
My Fantasy
Where is it written? Does anyone know?
That it�s up to us women to cook, clean and sew?
Plan all the menus! Pay all the bills!
Tend to the children, and cure all their ills?
Wash all the windows! Plan the decor!
Clean up the kitchen! Mop up the floor!
Know within second where �it� can be found!
The thousand and one �its� they leave all around.
Remember all Birthdays! Anniversaries, too.
Your side and his side--It�s all up to you.
Make all appointments for Eye, Teeth and Hair--
And who is it up to, getting them there?
Run to the cleaners! Go to the Bank!
Stop at the station--Fill up the tank!
Time to start supper??? I�m not in the mood!
I�m simply too tired to think about food!
Just once in a while, it sure would be grand
To dine on a meal that I hadn�t planned.
And cleaning up after? Of that I�d be free
To sit on my laurels, just watchin� TV.
The house would be peaceful! The kids wouldn�t fight
They�d go to bed quietly--just this one night.
I�d watch the movie, I�d so longed to see,
Without interruptions from my Family.
Nothing would break, or have to be tended!
Nothing would rip and need to be mended.
The phone wouldn�t ring! The pipes wouldn�t rattle!
With things cracked or broken, I�d not have to battle!
If dreams can come true, as some say they can..
Then just once a month: Could I be the �man�?
No cookin�, no cleanin�, no laundry, no dust!
No homework, no �bedtime�--No nothing I �must�!
Just once a month--Oh, It would be aces...
If just for one night, with me he�d trade places.
One night a month, Lord, in My Fantasy,
I would be �him�, and he would be �ME�
When I'm A Little Old Lady
When I'm a little old lady
Then I'll live with my children
and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had
from each girl and boy
I shall draw on the walls
and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out
without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry,
socks under my bed.
Whenever they scold me,
I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp,
always fritter away
The time to be spent
doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children
when they are on the phone.
As long as they're busy
I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets,
rocks in a drawer,
And never pick up my clothes
from the floor.
Dash off to the movies
and not wash a dish.
I'll plead for allowance
whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing
and deluge the floor.
As soon as they've mopped it,
I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me,
I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming,
not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils
and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones,
I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk
to complete every meal,
Eat my banana and
just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table,
spill jam on the floor,
I'll break lots of dishes
as though I were four.
What fun I shall have,
what joy it will be to
Live with my children....
the way they lived with me!
(author unknown)
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