WELCOME

My husband came home today and saw me sitting on the couch,
toddler on one knee, and baby nursing on the opposite breast.
I was trying to turn the pages of a book with the hand not attached to the infant,
while listening for the sound of the stove buzzer,
which would indicate that tonight's pork chops were at the stage
between "well-done" and "the dog gets tonight's entree."

My husband looked at me innocently,
and asked, "So, did you do anything today?"

It's a good thing that most of my appendages were otherwise
engaged, as I was unable to jump up and throttle him to death.
This was probably for the best, as I assume
that asking a stupid question is not grounds for murder
in this country.

Let me back up a bit, and explain what led me to this point in my life.
I was not always bordering on the brink of insanity.
On the contrary, a mere four years ago, I had a good job,
steady income, and a vehicle that could NOT seat a
professional sports team, and me, comfortably.
I watched television shows that were not hosted by singing puppets.
I went to bed later than nine o'clock at night.
I preferred sex to sleeping in. I laughed at those people who drove
halfway across the country hauling a tent trailer, three screaming kids,
a drooling dog, and called it a holiday.
Now I have become one of them.

What happened? The stick turned blue.
I have traded in my Victoria's Secrets lingerie for
cotton briefs and a firm support nursing bra.
Good-bye, Garth Brooks. Hello, Sharon, Lois and Bram.

My idea of privacy is getting to use the bathroom
without a two-year old banging on the door,
and the baby spinning the toilet paper roll from my lap.

And I finally understand that the term "Stay At Home Mom" does not refer
to a parent who no longer works outside the house,
but rather to one who never seems to get out the front door.
So here I sit children in hand, wondering how to answer my beloved husband.
DID I DO ANYTHING TODAY!

Well, I think I did, although not much seems to have gotten accomplished.
I shared breakfast in bed with a handsome young man.
Of course, the breakfast consisted of a bowl of porridge and
leftover cookie crumbs found between the sheets.
The handsome young man is about thirty-four inches tall and
only gets really excited at the sight of
purple dinosaurs, toy trucks and French fries.

I got to take a relaxing stroll in the woods.
Of course I was on the lookout for frogs and lizards,
and had to stop to smell the dandelions along the way.

I successfully washed one load of laundry, moved the load that was in the washer
into the dryer, and the dryer load into the basket.
The load that was in the basket is now spread out on the bed,
awaiting my bedtime decision to actually put the clothes away
or merely move them to the top of the dresser.

I read two or three classics. Out loud.
Of course, Dickens or Shakespeare cannot take credit for these works,
as we have moved on to the works of Seuss and Munsch.
I don't think I will be making any trips to the Adult Section
of my local library anytime soon. In between, I dusted, wiped,
organized and rearranged. I kissed away the owies and washed away the tears.
I scolded, praised, hugged and tested my patience, all before noon.

DID I DO ANYTHING TODAY?
You Betcha.

I now understand what people mean when they say that parenthood
is the hardest job they will ever have.
In my LBD (life before diapers) I was able to teach young minds
how to divide fractions and write complex sentences,
but I am unable of teaching a strong-willed two-year-old
how to use the toilet.
I was once able to navigate urban streets while
talking on the car phone and
looking for a decent radio station, but now I can't
get the wheels on my stroller to all go in the same direction.
I've graduated from university, written newspaper articles,and won awards,
but I can't figure out how to get carrot stains out of the carpet.
I used to debate with my friends about politics,
but now we discuss the merits of cloth versus disposable.
And when did I stop talking in sentences that had more than five words?
So in response to my husband's inquiry,
yes, I did do something today.

In fact, I am one step closer to one of life's greatest accomplishments.
No, I did not cure AIDS or forge World Peace,
but I did hold a miracle in my arms.

Two, in fact. My children are my great accomplishment,
and the opportunity to raise them in my greatest challenge.
I don't know if my children will grow up to be
great leaders or world-class brain surgeons.

Frankly, I don't care, as long as they grow up to be happy
and fulfilled. They are my greatest joys,
even though I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night in frustration.

The point is, that today I got to watch my children take another
step on the great journey of Life, and I even got to point out
some of the sites along the way.
As challenging as parenthood is,
it is also equally rewarding,
because we are using all our wisdom, our talent and skills
to help forge a new person.
It is this person, these people,
who in turn will use their gifts to create our future.
So every nursery rhyme I recite, every swing I push,
very little hand I hold is Something.
And I did it today.

Help wanted:

Serious inquiries only!
This is a strenuous position.
You must be able to lift, bend and scoop on demand.
You must be able to handle multiple tasks simultaneously.
The hours have little to no flexibility.

Your work day will be 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
although you are allow to sleep a couple of hours a day on the job.

There will be no monetary or otherwise material benefits from this job.
However, chaos and joy are abundant.

You will not acquire any sick time,
vacation leave or paid time off.

You are to be on call at all times
even if you have someone covering your shift for a few hours.

You must have knowledge in science, basic math, art, crafts,
basic first aide, quantum physics, and be able to answer any question
at a moments notice in a short and precise manner.

The job you are applying for is that of a mother.

For the woman, who can do it all-

She can cook like the best chef around...
drive all over city and town,
looking for just the right evening gown.
She had the best kiss on my knees.
Oh, what a Mom - she can be.
She could do everything from ABCs-
to stupid old trigonemtry.
She has the best laugh in the land.
And Oh, how could you not notice, the strength of her hands?
She could run interferece better than any attorney around.
And never ever, did she let me down.
She taught me the right and wrongs of eye shadow.
And there were times, she said yes, but really meant NO.
Oh what a Mom, she can be-
On prom night, I saw the little tear-
and the sparkle as she said 'be careful, you are a woman, dear'.
Then on graduation- there she was-
front row seat, I knew she would.
There was that tear, once more.
Congradulations, 'you are a woman, dear'.
Ahh, the day I come down the aisle.
The first thing I saw, was my Mom's smile.
Oh, and there was that tiny little tear...
Best Wishes, ' you are a MRS. dear'.
The night the pain came...
I was all afraid, she run to my side-
held my hand. Hold me tight dear,
Mom is right here.
In a few hours, it will be over and gone.
And you will be holding a hand of your own.
The pain went away, as they said, 'here is your baby girl'.
I looked at my Mom, and saw that tear,
this time was different...
She brushed back my hair, and said 'what is this dear?'
I said 'oh Mom, I have it too, that special Mommy tear'.
I am lucky Mom, I got it from you.

What Women Do All Day

Where is it written? Does anyone know?
That it's up to us women to cook AND clean AND sew?

Plan all the menus! Pay all the bills!
Tend to the children, and cure all their ills?

Wash all the windows! Plan the decor!
Clean up the kitchen! Mop up the floor!

Know within second where "it" can be found!
The thousand and one "its" they leave all around.

Remember all Birthdays! Anniversaries, too.
Your side and his side--It's all up to you.

Make all appointments for Eye, Teeth and Hair--
And who is it up to, getting them there?

Run to the cleaners! Go to the Bank!
Stop at the station--Fill up the tank!

Time to start supper??? I'm not in the mood!
I'm simply too tired to think about food!

Just once in a while, it sure would be grand
To dine on a meal that I hadn't planned.

And cleaning up after? Of that I'd be free
To sit on my laurels, just watchin' TV.

The house would be peaceful! The kids wouldn't fight
They'd go to bed quietly--just this one night.

I'd watch the movie, I'd so longed to see,
Without interruptions from my Family.

Nothing would break, or have to be tended!
Nothing would rip and need to be mended.

The phone wouldn't ring! The pipes wouldn't rattle!
With things cracked or broken, I'd not have to battle!

If dreams can come true, as some say they can..
Then just once a month: Could I be the "man"?

No cookin', no cleanin', no laundry, no dust!
No homework, no "bedtime"--No nothing I "must"!

Just once a month--Oh, It would be aces...
If just for one night, with me he'd trade places.

One night a month, Lord, in My Fantasy,
I would be "him", and he would be "ME"

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